am still alive…barely

just wanted to let all of you know that i’m still around, and i haven’t let this blog thing go forever or anything. i’m just finding (WARNING: CLICHE TO FOLLOW) the start of school, and being a school mom, a lot more time-consuming and stressful than i ever imagined. for example: every day begins at 6:45 (or earlier), followed by a rush to get everyone out the door, then a whirlwind of errands, feed smallest person lunch, put down for nap, do laundry/dinner prep/cleaning/exercising/sewing, get littlest one up, rush to school, pick up stressed out first grader. bring semi-comatose school child home. attempt to entertain/ignore/coddle/coax/cajole said person into not imploding while making dinner and lunches for following day. welcome work-distracted spouse home. serve dinner to largely unappreciative small people. clean them, read to them, put them in bed. sew or work or enter tv coma for 2 hrs. fall into bed. repeat. repeat. repeat. dude. i barely have time to even type in a facebook status, and i’ve left twitter behind for now.
anyhoo, let’s turn the focus on to you now. Question O’ the Day: Tell me what you love about Fall. or hate about it. just give me a run down of your feelings about this time of year. will accept: well-focused precise paragraphs, one-liners, haiku, stream of consciousness, beat poetry, etc.

Cathartic blaaaaaaahhh

so, i haven’t had to use the “BC Children’s Emergency Speedpass” tm in awhile. But, tonight, edmund and i had to take a trip to see the lovely nurses (and a blase, irritating physician) at said medical institution.  Edmund’s third bout with croup (this fall) isn’t going so well.  We’re talking fever, extreme and prolonged coughing fits, and, the symptom that really put it over the top: a horrible strangulated face he makes (complete with bulging eyes and extended tongue) when he isn’t getting any air.  and, why am i writing about it?  well, for starters, it’s what’s been happening in the life of our family.  i keep hoping that we’ll stay healthy for awhile, and that i’ll be able to blog about other, more entertaining, more philosophical topics, but i’m afraid that this is it.  this seemingly neverending series of illnesses is, in fact, the epicentre of action for these Milleys.  I’ve tried to avoid blogging about it, or, at least, only doing so in short snippets, but it isn’t accurate or truthful to omit such a crucial component of our life.  so, i’ve just been posting less.  which also sucks.  for me, at least.  perhaps you all are relieved to have time away from the recitation of domestic banalities which so often constitutes my life , but i, for one, miss sharing humourous sidenotes and more serious musings in a more regular fashion.

All of that so convolutedly said, i am going to blog on.  only, for the next little while, you might hear a bit more of the down side of all things Milleyesque.  i hope you can handle it.  i likewise promise to share, as i have been meaning to for quite some time, some of the things for which i am most grateful.

some of those things:

curling up in bed with my kids and a stack of picture books. pure heaven.

the graciousness with which my friends and family handle my emotional hyperactivity

solitary post-dawn walks, roaming up and down the misty hills in my quirky neighbourhood

really sympathetic nurses

late night bowls of cereal

A question o’ the day, then:  what one thing are you most grateful for?  is it material? emotional? spiritual?

all about the wonder

Occasionally, (very occasionally now that small ones run my life) i have a philosophical moment, a brief period of time where certain incidents coalesce in my brain and lead to reflection.  this last week, i have been thinking about wonder, about awe, about being fully present…and it’s all mr. rogers’ fault.

let me explain.  last week, i did what i usually do on mondays.  i let the kids have lunch in front of a taped rerun of mr. rogers while i ride my bike on the trainer.  it works well for all of us (though less well for the carpet in the den), and i sort of look forward to it.  anyhoo, on that particular episode, mr. r was at a large wild animal park (a really big one, meghann, with 1800 acres in the southern u.s.).  he got to ride out into an enclosure and feed giraffes. so there he is, in the back of a safari truck, offering carrots to the giant and comical giraffes (who grab food with elongated purple tongues, i might add).  And, suddenly, he looks straight into the camera with this look of such unmediated delight that you could see, just briefly, what he must have looked like as an awestruck child.  It struck me as such a brave and lovely thing, that openness to pure joy, that willingness to express his absolute gratitude and sheer happiness that, at 65+, here he was, getting to feed giraffes.

The next night, i was privileged enough to spend an evening listening to Maya Angelou.  As the stories drew to a close, she shared with us the Terance quote, “I am human; therefore, nothing human can be alien to me.”  She went on to point out that this statement does in fact mean what it is often reported to–that any heinous crime is possible by any person.  But, she went on to elaborate that this statement also infers that any positive action is possible.  “I see that person over there giving love,” she said, “so i know it is possible for me to love.  Much more, I see that person receive love, and I know that that is possible.”  Again, i was overwhelmed.  She seemed so completely in awe of those possibilities, so totally thankful for all the positive things humans are capable of.

Where does all this lead me?  Well, i think i’m beginning to believe that wonder is an indication of maturity, and not cynicism, or ironic distance, or self-consciousness, as i think i have always believed.  the notion that i might be fully in a moment, without thought or care for what those around me may think, is a powerful one.  because i think it takes courage to really be, to not strike a mental or emotional pose.  to feel.  to hope.  to suffer.  and, more than most things, i’d like to be like these people i admire–aging with dignity and still chock full of wonder at the universe.